Six

Six rocks.  Kinda sorta.  I love the independence six brings.  I love the frienships she is developing.  I love the independent play.  I love the riding of a two-wheeler. I love the missing teeth.  I love the selection of her own clothes (sometimes).  I loathe the sassy mouth. Rolling of the eyes.  Crap-attitude.  I love that this will seem like a joy as compared to 16. 

Never enough

There seems to never be enough time.  Never enough time to read.  Never enough time to blog (sorry).  Never enough time to rest.  Never enough time to exercise. Clean. Organize. Enjoy simple things. Cook gourmet meals.  The list can go on and on. Where does this time go?  It seems like yesterday I was the mother of a drooling toddler.  Next week she starts first grade.  Many of my colleagues have their children going of to college for the first time today.  They keep saying "it goes by so fast."  I never believe them. BUt maybe I should.  I mean really, where the heck has time gone?  

I can easily and admitted say that my time is here, at my desk, working.  While she is fast asleep dreaming Hannah Montana dreams.  And I could easily say I could do more, be engaged more, mother more, play more.  But that's not realistic all the time.  Let's face it.  Every Mom is different.  Every parent is different.  It makes not one better than the other.  I see Mom's on Facebook all the time taking park trips, making crafts, Pinetristing-projects.  That's not me.  I should really stop being so pissed about it.  I am who I am and I am the mother that she needs.  Time aside.  I do  my best.  And I can do better.  We all can.

So yeah, time is flying, really, really flying.  Pretty much I need to stop resenting time, other Mother's skills and work on my own.  My kid rocks.  And so do I.  So there.  Take that.

A little journey

First let me just say that I am dreadfully embarrassed that it has been WELL over a year since my last post.  Thankfully not much has changed - Annmarie is in school and doing great, we are both still employed and everyone is healthy.

But one thing has changed, for the better and and that' my faith.  In an effort to not seem like a crazy Jesus freak, I have developed a much better, richer and comfortable relationship with God.  Over the past 6 months my family and I have been attending a super-modern-progressive Christian Church called Parkview Christian Church .  My entire life I have been Catholic, and when I mean "all my life," I am not just talking about the time since birth/Baptism, but "all my life" as in I had no idea or no willingness to understand faith in any other way.

But that's besides the point.  The point is, that other than my deep anxiety and Catholic guilt over my choices, I am deeply and passionately thrilled with this church.  The sermons and people there are welcoming.  The pastor's have families, and lives and commitments - and understanding and patience.  There are hundreds of volunteers who are committed to the growth of each and every member.  And the biggest thing...no one dreads it.  I know that sounds terrible, but face it, I am certain any other Catholic would agree, that at times Mass seems like a chore.  But at Parkview, it is an experience and a pleasure.  There's no up and down, no kneeling, no counting the time, no one staring at you when you do the wrong sign, say the wrong word, etc.  I am in a comfortable and beautiful place.

And then there's the "hitch." Right, there's always a hitch.  With every change, there comes anxiety.  And my anxiety comes from feeling that I have abandoned years of education and sacrifice by my parents.  And this I have not gotten over yet.  But I will, I know it. Because I am happy and blessed.

The first day of school

Well it has finally come upon our house - the first day of school.  I have dreaded this day since the last day of school.  While I am 100% confident in her ability to learn, play with others and be excited about things, I was not 100% confident about my ability to let go of the amazing situation we had last year.  Last year for three-year school she was instructed by four adorable, loving and caring high school seniors.  Annmarie formed an instant bond with these young women and loved every single moment of school.  Don't get me wrong, will she love Mrs. G and the aides - yes but, the undivided attention she received last year will not be the same.  I know it's a good thing to encourage more independent learning, but when you're a working parent like myself, perhaps I liked (too much) the caring hands of her four young teachers.  Maybe I even allowed them to be in my shoes a bit too much.

So today began very early with a sleepless night - did we make the right decision (yes), will she like it (yes), will she learn and grow intelluctually, spiritually, physically (yes, yes and yes), are we doing our best as parents (yes) and the list goes on and on.  As she woke this morning, I had carefully placed her favorite dishes and favorite breakfast on the table, placed a new dress, shoes and bow on the couch - all things are in their place. And then I realized one thing was missing - my excitement.  I should not worry, or feel angst, or pressure, or sadness, she is growing up and this is a good thing.  I am a raising a smart, independent, wise, caring, loving, playful young lady.  And last years teachers and this years teachers and teachers in the future, close to her, or not, are all playing a role in that too.  So while Annmarie marches off to school, I feel compelled to take a a tour around the school of life - a refresher course if you will.  It's nice to be reminded that learning and instruction and love happens all of the time - inside and outside of the classroom.

Chicken wings and juice boxes

Last night we had a very casual BBQ with the parents of a little girl Annmarie has befriended.  Annmarie and A have been in dance and gymnastics together since last fall. I literally see this Mom one or two times a week and spend an hour plus chatting, she is a good friend.  Last night, A, her parents and brother came over to swim and have dinner and drinks.  Something struck me last night - we are darn lucky people.  We have an incredibly good life, a lovely home, spacious yard, food to eat - but most important - smiles to be shared and no judgement.  Last night during dinner, drinks and playtime I really felt that no one in our yard was casting any judgement.  I really think people judge all of the time...yes all of the time.  Failing to judge is a major success.  I have never felt so comfortable in my own space, physical and otherwise.

Will you just lay with me?

This has been a crazy week - and this weekend is penned to be a little crazier.  Frankly, next week is shaping up to be nuts too.  I digress.  Annmarie is a pretty good napper, and this week she has been at VBS from 9-2, missing her afternoon nap.  Thankfully, he amazing sitter has been able to squeeze in some late afternoon nap time on most days, but boy is that kid a mess come 5pm.  WOW.  She is exhausted.  You may wonder why this matters?  After falling asleep 4 nights this week on the 6 block ride home from Debbie's we carry her in to the guest bedroom/playroom for a little pre dinner nap.  This has prompted (1) eating dinner in bed and (2) pleas for a companion sleeper/rest (hence, will you just lay with me).  Now any good parent would relish in these cuddles, and I do...but I also JUST walked in the door, shoes on, work clothes on, thirsty, you get the picture.  I guess this is where one of those silly parental sacrifices occurs - no Diet Coke and yoga pants till I chillax with Rie a bit.

I see why she likes this little place, this nuzzley, warm, yet cool, bed, My Little Pony on tv - this is pretty awesome...and I plan to do more of it.  She's growing up to fast and will soon hate me and I could use a reason to slow down and smell the colorific roses.

It's 5:50 in the morning...

And another busy day is upon us.  Annmarie started Vacation Bible School; ended day camp; is moving up tonight in gymnastics; has a pool party Friday night; a playdate Saturday...shall I go on.  While I have always felt like a parent, I feel now that we have entered parent-hood.  What's the difference?  We are never home!  Some one is shuffling from one 'hood to the next as we load of social, physical, spiritual and emotional calendars with activities and experiences that we deeply believe benefit our child.  Could this benefit be working mother overcompensation?  Absolutely!  Could it be that Annmarie loves to be busy much like her Mom?  Absolutely!  Either way, I am most excited about her attending VBS.  This is really the first activity Annmarie has done with our neighborhood school, St Germaine.  And while she will not attend school there (yet), she is making relationships with neighborhood kids and this is a bit new for us.  As the next year unfolds, her relationships with others will develop independently of John and I - this includes her relationship with God.  Whether or not you're of the same belief system of me or not, I could not be prouder when she mumbles little prayers on her own and of her free will.  And really, at 5:50 in the morning, whose not saying a little prayer? 

If faith is something that interests you, I encourage you to read John's Uncle's blog - it's really fantastic, and if faith is not your area of comfort, read it anyway, it's that good.